Saturday, October 18, 2008

shiny plastics

people are becoming fakers nowadays. it's amazing how they can instantly ruin other's perception toward you but all i know is such people just don't have anything to do with their lives anymore because it's plain too boring. now i wouldn't wonder why they're called pyschotic royalty.


i thought summer was the best event that's happened for this year, i was wrong. whatever i did back there, that wasn't me. that's not the real Jenny. i was so caught up in being single and free and i totally forgot my limitations. I screwed up bigtime but at least i've learned a valuable lesson from it.

i remembered josef asking me why do i value friends too much. he frankly told me that he doesn't like some of my friends because of their attitudes. i never listened to him. i dont know why though. maybe it's because he doesn't know them well like i do and some of them, he hasn't even met.

i have to admit, i have some pretty retarded friends, but i accepted them for it. they have too much flaws but i didn't care because what mattered for me was the friendship and memories we shared. i don't choose friends, i trust and forgive too much, i care a lot, and i think that's probably the dumbest part of me.

there's this girl that i met back in junior high school which i liked hanging out with. i have to admit, i was young and i was striving for a new identity that time. i wanted to change who i was because i act too matured back in my old school. i was a bit overacting for some time, probably because i'm pressured by my new classmates. so the outcome wasn't nice and some girls didn't like me. i got into a fight but it ended and everyone was at peace again. i found a group of friends that i hangout with almost everyday and as the school year passed, i became more comfortable with myself and started opening up. more people came to like me and everyone became my real friend. i know when a person is lying, that's probably what i'm capable of and so far, there's one person who remained a plastic all throughout these years.

well a lot of people never really liked her even though we have finally graduated from high school. it was probably because of her mean look , her strong personality and frank mouth.
she always say she doesn't care but she goes around wrecking other people, even her own best friend.

i knew she doesn't like me because she thinks i'm too over acting but she wouldn't give me a chance to prove her wrong. so i let things be the way they were. though we lived our seperate lives now, i still visit them during the sembreaks, holidays and vacations. i dont mind spending too much to treat them, it doesnt matter. friends are friends, or that's what i thought before.

one of my best friends in cebu hurted me just because of some misunderstanding and used a lot of foul words just to consume me and it got really worst. im not really the type of person who would engage in hurting other people below the belt because i find it nonsense. if there's anything i need to bitch about, it's the mistake and reason for the intention. i had to forgive her, she's my friend. so everything became okey, finally.

the other one, the mean and frank girl, i thought we were finally okey. she told me she's changed and what happened in the past, stays in the past.

until recently, a gay friend of mine told me they have been talking about me and from the stories i found out, it made me realize that she was nothing but a fake.

i dont know why she would say such things about me and knowing for the fact that most of her stories were inconsistent. why can't she tell it straight through my face?

i know that josel hates it when he needs friends and if they're not there for him, he becomes too emotional and jealous that he ends up whining and complaining. it would even come to a point where he exagges his criticisms about them. what do i expect from him? he's gay. Still he needs them to be by him. he has a condition of being hyperactive and because of his depression, i have to understand and be there for him. so he, backstabbing me, is something we are already used to. on the other hand, this so-called friend of mine contributed to the stories and what's painful is that she doesn't know the whole issue. she just based it depending on the stories she heard from our other friend.

i came to understand that the very reason wh she does that to other people is because she's not secured of her self and that's a form of a defensive displacement response so that people won't get to judge her, so she judges them before they do. She makes sure she is above others and she thinks she's right all the time. if she was a real friend, she would never destroy any of her friend's reputation. instead, she will fight for them and defend them.

if she really is straight forward, frank, honest and confident, why would she bother backstabbing and keeping grudges against others when she can tell them frankly? that's basically because she is a hypocrite and a superrr shiny plastic. i'm sorry if it sounds too offensive but that's how she made an impression and my opinion about her will stay the same unless of course she gets to prove me wrong. but nevermind, i don't plan on taking another chance with her anymore so it's too late and case is closed. I deleted her in my friendster and messenger. i threw everything away, our friendship, our memories. i know i don't need her to help my life become colorful. she's finally extinct. she's nothing but history.

i'm very much disappointed and now i came to realize, she's too much of a backstabber to have real friends. i shouldn't waste my time on her. she made me realize something significant though, learn to be precautious in choosing who you should trust.

i have better friends in cebu. one is sharmila. she has always been there. she doesn't need to backstab people because she's too frank and i admire her for that. we never fought ever since we graduated from high school. now tell me, who are you to say a lot of my friends are plastic? it is just you who says it because you can't accept the fact that i keep getting in your way.

i have so much friends here and they care too much for me, that's something i should be really thankful of. i shouldn't feel sad letting her go because i know there are more interesting people that will come my way.


to sum it up, i know that I'm better than her nor anyone else who tries to break me apart. they don't know me that well so they can never judge me. what the hell, i'm still standing! they thought they cold make a huge impact on me but they don't exist in my world. a lot of people know the real me and they like me for who i am. i should not be compelled to change myself for such backstabbers because basically, i'm not living my life according to their rules but mine alone.


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it's been a long time since i last updated my blog. a lot of great things have happened and basically, everything is falling to their right places. hooray! :D

Sunday, August 17, 2008

that's what you get..

i really hate it when you are insecured of yourself and you dont trust your loved ones. it creates a problem regarding the lack of attention. from there you formulate your own drama just so others can see it and give you their attention. sometimes, creating a drama with the wrong person puts you into trouble and often times, you'll get a good slap on your cheek, getting what you deserve...



i was at the recollection, spending time thinking things over and healing my broken self. suddenly, i received a text message from an anonymous sender stating, "masaya ka na?" thoughts started running through my mind as i wonder who the texter was and why did he/he send me that kind of message? i texted back and asked who he/she was but i didn't get any reply so i tried ignoring it but i kept the message in my inbox.

i wrote all my hurtings and my misery in a paper and burnt it. i had to let it go; this feeling that i have been suffering from. it made my numb heart weak. so when i came home from recollection, i felt rejuvenated once again. i checked my phone and i remembered the unknown texter. i logged in to my yahoo messenger and i saw some users online. i suspected that it could be josef's ever-so-paranoid girlfriend, nica. i realized that fhatty was online so i hit her up since she's classmates with them. i asked if she knew who's number it was and i found out that my suspection was correct. it was truly her. i texted the girl and asking what's her problem and why did she text me with that kind of message. i waited but she didn't reply.

the following morning, i was in the shower when i heard my phone ringing. it was a text message from her and she said she doesn't know me. i had a wrong send. i was like, oh yeah really?! so i replied and let her know who i was. so the conversation went on from there. she said she wanted to talk to me and clarify some things from me before she could accuse. i asked what was the accusement all about but she didn't answer it directly. so i granted her request to talk to me in the afternoon, after our duties. she told me that if there's anything i would like to tell her, that could be the perfect time and i said i could tell her a lot of things but that could hurt her feelings. she said okey and i believed she understood that well.

during our duty, i shared a lot of things with my dutymates. the things i felt and the confusion that's been playing inside me. Josef and I still had our unfinished business and i know it was about time to close doors and finish things off. i'm not gonna state what our unfinished business was since it's too personal and it would definitely stimulate a lot of rumors. my dutymates are my soul sisters and they understand the things i'm going through. it helps me in coping up with the stress and stuff. i was busy talking and i didn't realize that the other group was listening. fhatty and this girl jami was in that group. unfortunately, i can't take my words back. so i stood up for it. it doesn't matter anymore if they heard it or not as long as i'm telling the truth and my opinions are mine alone. no one can ever change that.

afternoon came and my dutymates and i were at school. they were very excited and nervous for me. maybe because they want to see some actions. i dont know. i wasn't even sure what i was feeling that afternoon. i saw her and her girlfriends walked pass through me. i thought we were supposed to talk. she look like someone you can't mess with because of her "terror" look. she looked mad, even my friends have noticed it. i was wondering what the hell was wrong with her, we just had a good conversation that morning. two guys were looking for me and i don't know who to go with. on top of that, i was waiting for nica's text since she said she wanted to talk. later, i got bored waiting and texted her asking if she still wanna talk since i still have some things to do. she replied asking where i was and another text from her came and it stated that i should go to the front canteen. i got a little irritated since she was the one who wants something from me and now she orders me to go there. i was sitting with bedz and minutes later, i saw her coming.

she stormed the place where we were hanging out and it kinda scared the shit out of me because it was something different from what i expected to happen. i expected us to talk in an educated manner and somewhere private. she acted like some amazon girl and i have to admit, she was definitely being scandalous. she asked me what was my problem and i replied asking what was hers. she told me her problem was me so i started asking questions like why and how come. i asked her what the gossip was about. she replied asking me if it was true that i was spreading gossips telling people that she was flirting with josef when in fact, he is her boyfriend. i was like that's it? she came right to me and accuse me for such nonsense. it was the most pathetic thing i've heard. fact: people don't care if you're flirting with your boyfriend because basically, he's yours. it doesn't matter who said it, it's just the same. i analyzed the things she said and it gave me an impression that she's mad not because of the gossips, but because my name is involved. it's all about me. i saw her eyes and she looked like she wanted to cry but she was acting tough and strong in order to hide it. she can't hide it from me, i've been studying her the whole time. i was just stiitng there, being calm about it but it's obvious that i was angry. i told her to sit beside me so we could talk better, she refused and she just stood there the entire time. paulter came and he just listened to us. it was already and insult to him but he didn't do anything. a lot of people were watching us. i was embarrassed by what she did. she defended that her boyfriend courted her as a proof that she wasn't flirting with him. i started boiling up from there. i asked her if she's sure, she told me with confidence that i should ask josef and he would tell me that he courted her. fact: he never courted her. they just came to be. now what kind of educated girl is she? she even goes to his house when no one is at home and i don't wanna say what elese could they be doing. i instantly said, "what if i told you si josef na mismo umamin sa akin na hindi ka niya niligawan?" i slapped my words right through her face. she was dumbfounded. i know that whatever they're doing, that's none of my business but she made me point those shit out. i already told her this morning i could tell her the things i feel but that would involve hurting her feelings. guess what, she didn't listen. that's not my problem anymore. she also had this boylet issues regarding angelo and ron. she denied it and told me the two guys know the truth and i told her all the things i know and i had sources. those were directly from the two guys. she felt ashamed. it ruined my clean perspective about her. i told her that josef and i are talking and we are friends. she asked me why is josef hiding it from her. i replied that how could he not hide it from her, when everytime i say hello to him, she gets paranoid, mad and breaks down. she defended her self that she wasn't preventing josef from talking to me but it was the fact that she was jealous. i pointed out that she lacks trust in him. she can't refrain him from telling me everything because we are best friends and no one can break that off. I made it a point to her that it's an insult to paulter because she was being scandalous about my ex-boyfriend in front of him. She's such a dumbass. i can't recall the other things we were debating about but the bottomline of it, all her jealousness and insecurities were spilled that afternoon.
i made it clear to her that i don't want her boyfriend back because i am moving on and we're living our separate lives. Even though deep in my heart, I really do love him but it's time to close things for the sake of everyone. she even made a jingle song about me that goes like, "i love you, you love me, let's go out and kill jenny.. etc." and doodled my name on a paper. all the things she wrote proved that she really hated me. i saw the papers and i feel amused on how i could be such a threat for her. she's bothered by my presence. that's funny. when josef came, he was shocked to see us talk. everyone was watching. it was lame. i felt like there's nothing else to talk about so i finished it off and walked away. paulter came after me.

we walked around the campus finding a a quiet place where we could sit and cool myself down. we ended up in the chapel. paulter was there to comfort me. if it weren't for him, i could still be stressing until now. i never felt so tired but my heart keeps on beating fast. i wasn't nervous nor scared about what happened. however, my heart wasn't prepared for such scenario. i didn't mean to hurt nor embarrass nica with the things i said. i just had to let it all out so she could see her mistakes. she came off too strong and she was at the wrong place, at the wrong time with the wrong person to mess with. i feel nothing but dissapointment about her behavior.
if only she didn't act tough and talked nicely, i would definitely go down and be harmless. josef texted me and asked where i was and i don't know if i should let him know since i was with paulter and he could be angry at me for bitching at his girlfriend.

i asked paulter if he and i could talk, for the last time so we could finally finish this once and for all. he was okey with it but he's afraid that he might bitch at me. i conformed and promised i'll be all right. i replied to his text and paulter went out. minutes later, he came in the chapel. i was nervous of what his reaction would be. he wasn't mad. instead, he came to comfort me. he smiled when he told me that he came across with paulter and the guy told him not to hurt me, just talk to me. he said sure. deep inside i was like, awwwww.... that's so sweet. haha. but enough about it, let's go back to the story. i explained my side to him but he didn't let me finish. he assured me that it was okey, it wasn't my fault. Josef walked out on nica because of what she did. so then he asked me why did i tell my dutymates everything that's going on about us. i was shocked that he found out. he said that nica asked a confirmation from him, he told the truth honestly. he didn't get mad at me. bottomline is, nica found out about what i shared that afternoon but she didn't point it out because that would add up to another embarrassment about her. so i figured out that it was fhatty who told her everything. i was like "ahh dammit" but it doesnt matter anymore. it already came out. i'll stand up for the things i said. don't worry, i'm not mad with anyone here.

after the conversation, i was about to go home with paulter when i saw nica walking together with jaydee. my heart and mind are disturbed and i knew someone has to finish this once and for all. i feel like it had to be me. i can't wait so i grabbed the chance and approached her with respect. this time, everything was calm and better. i explained my side in the most subtle manner as possible. i shared my frustrations and dissapointments and she shared hers. i made it clear to her that i never wanted to put her in that situation but she made me do it. i adviced her that she has to know josef first before making any judgements and that she should take things one step at a time. she should act educated and learn not to rush things off with the guy.we finally finished things off. we're both relieved.

..recently i found out that she was trying to mess with natasha, her classmate who happens to be my dutymate. she kept on striking some words to hit her and said that there are things that should be left unsaid. there were stuff that nica told natasha from the past and she asked her not to tell josef that she talks to her. we dont know why. whenever josef is there, she keeps quiet. she's afraid of him. right now, i don't know what's her problem but analyzing the things i've found out and the inconsistency that she is telling people, it gave us a conclusion that the feeling that's working behind her is insecurity. well, i can't blame her if she's insecured. after all, she wasn't courted and she instantly hooked up with the guy who she barely knows so she makes sure that he won't go away because she's afraid of losing him. on top of that, it would basically hurt her ego.

ehhh. i dont know what's going on between them. it doesnt matter to me. im not mad at her nor at her friends. as long she she doesnt mess with me nor any of my friends, i'll remain harmless. if she does, i'll tear her ass off one more time. i'm too frank and tackless, i can't help it. everyone knows that. i know a lot about her and i dont care why a lot of people don't like her attitude. she was on the wrong lane from the very beginning. she started it, that's what she gets.


xoxo enough said xoxo

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

my jealous heart can't take it. fuck. fuck. fuck.

betch. i used to find this song irrelevant but like, what the fuck? it's sticking into my head coz' it explains every inch that i feel. screw you douchebags!!! :(


saw you with your new girl just yesterday
And I feel that I must confess
Even though it kills me to have to say
I'll admit that I was impressed
Physically just short of perfection
Gotta commend you on your selection
Though I know I shouldn't be concerned
In the back of my mind
I can't help but question
Does she rub your feet
When you've had a long day
Scratch your scalp
When you take out your braids
Does she know that you like too
Play PS2 till 6 in the morning
Like I do

I can't explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
And even though we've moved on
It gets so hard to walk away
(I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me)
Walk Away, Walk Away, walk away

I can't forget how we used to be
Our life from day to day
Hoping maybe you'll come back
And though I tell myself not to be afraid
To move on but it seems I can't
Though a new man has given me attention
It ain't the same as your affection
Though I know I should be content
In the back of my mind
I can't help but question
Does he kiss me on the forehead
Before we play
Show up on my doorstep(with a bouquet)
Does he call me in the middle of the day
Just to say hey baby I love you
Like you used to

So hard to express this feeling
Cause nobody compares to you
And you know she'll never love you like I do..


ehhh. fuck i left him because i didn't feel like i used to and look at me now, acting like a pussy and i can't even afford to look at those assholes. this shitty feeling is it's toll on me and i really hate this. ugh :(

Thursday, May 15, 2008

my opinions are mine.

Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection.

Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotten or ignored.

Pnigophobia- Fear of choking of being smothered.


Yup, that's me.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

dissapointed

i typed this blog last april 17, 2008 but it completely went wacko so i deleted my post.
this was way back when i was still in Cebu. this happened before my experience on "best friends or best enemies?" just thought i'd let you know so you wont get confused.

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okey so now i'm here in Cebu City spending my summer vacation instead of attending my summer classes in Zamboanga. I'm so dissapointed of how things turned out. I should have transferred but i refused. I mean changing schools and the place where i lived had always been my plan ever since because i hated Zamboanga, it's a shit hole. I hated everyone (that excludes my friends of course). It was what Ciara and I always thought of. Now i'm here in Cebu, it just doesnt feel right. I dont know why. Something or someone is pulling me back. I was already at Cebu Doctor's University. I got in. There was a condition though, I had to repeat the major subject because that's their standard and if i go for it, my status will remain as first year student. I didn't really care though. I only made it a big deal so i would have an option whether to transfer or not. I just dont know why. So mom wanted me to try San Carlos University. I went there. The dean wasnt around and i have to wait for two weeks before she comes back and evaluate my grades. They didnt have their major subject yet and that automatically means I'm in. However, i told my dad i'm bone tired from all the waiting and shit so he told me not to transfer and just bear with all the people until i graduate. This is mind-buggling and i'm so fucked up in this situation! Until now i still can't decide what to do with my life, whether i should transfer or not but like, what the fuck??? I don't know if i'm making the right move or not. geeeez! all i ever wanted was to move away, far away and start all over again but there's a part of me that say's a should stay. so right now i'm all cynical and i definitely need a grip before i lose everything. it's now or never. THINK JENNY! THINK!!! this life is a bitch. i need to get over this as soon as i can because right now, everything depends on me. fuck this shit, i need a break! :[

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