Sunday, August 17, 2008

that's what you get..

i really hate it when you are insecured of yourself and you dont trust your loved ones. it creates a problem regarding the lack of attention. from there you formulate your own drama just so others can see it and give you their attention. sometimes, creating a drama with the wrong person puts you into trouble and often times, you'll get a good slap on your cheek, getting what you deserve...

i was at the recollection, spending time thinking things over and healing my broken self. suddenly, i received a text message from an anonymous sender stating, "masaya ka na?" thoughts started running through my mind as i wonder who the texter was and why did he/he send me that kind of message? i texted back and asked who he/she was but i didn't get any reply so i tried ignoring it but i kept the message in my inbox.

i wrote all my hurtings and my misery in a paper and burnt it. i had to let it go; this feeling that i have been suffering from. it made my numb heart weak. so when i came home from recollection, i felt rejuvenated once again. i checked my phone and i remembered the unknown texter. i logged in to my yahoo messenger and i saw some users online. i suspected that it could be josef's ever-so-paranoid girlfriend, nica. i realized that fhatty was online so i hit her up since she's classmates with them. i asked if she knew who's number it was and i found out that my suspection was correct. it was truly her. i texted the girl and asking what's her problem and why did she text me with that kind of message. i waited but she didn't reply.

the following morning, i was in the shower when i heard my phone ringing. it was a text message from her and she said she doesn't know me. i had a wrong send. i was like, oh yeah really?! so i replied and let her know who i was. so the conversation went on from there. she said she wanted to talk to me and clarify some things from me before she could accuse. i asked what was the accusement all about but she didn't answer it directly. so i granted her request to talk to me in the afternoon, after our duties. she told me that if there's anything i would like to tell her, that could be the perfect time and i said i could tell her a lot of things but that could hurt her feelings. she said okey and i believed she understood that well.

during our duty, i shared a lot of things with my dutymates. the things i felt and the confusion that's been playing inside me. Josef and I still had our unfinished business and i know it was about time to close doors and finish things off. i'm not gonna state what our unfinished business was since it's too personal and it would definitely stimulate a lot of rumors. my dutymates are my soul sisters and they understand the things i'm going through. it helps me in coping up with the stress and stuff. i was busy talking and i didn't realize that the other group was listening. fhatty and this girl jami was in that group. unfortunately, i can't take my words back. so i stood up for it. it doesn't matter anymore if they heard it or not as long as i'm telling the truth and my opinions are mine alone. no one can ever change that.

afternoon came and my dutymates and i were at school. they were very excited and nervous for me. maybe because they want to see some actions. i dont know. i wasn't even sure what i was feeling that afternoon. i saw her and her girlfriends walked pass through me. i thought we were supposed to talk. she look like someone you can't mess with because of her "terror" look. she looked mad, even my friends have noticed it. i was wondering what the hell was wrong with her, we just had a good conversation that morning. two guys were looking for me and i don't know who to go with. on top of that, i was waiting for nica's text since she said she wanted to talk. later, i got bored waiting and texted her asking if she still wanna talk since i still have some things to do. she replied asking where i was and another text from her came and it stated that i should go to the front canteen. i got a little irritated since she was the one who wants something from me and now she orders me to go there. i was sitting with bedz and minutes later, i saw her coming.

she stormed the place where we were hanging out and it kinda scared the shit out of me because it was something different from what i expected to happen. i expected us to talk in an educated manner and somewhere private. she acted like some amazon girl and i have to admit, she was definitely being scandalous. she asked me what was my problem and i replied asking what was hers. she told me her problem was me so i started asking questions like why and how come. i asked her what the gossip was about. she replied asking me if it was true that i was spreading gossips telling people that she was flirting with josef when in fact, he is her boyfriend. i was like that's it? she came right to me and accuse me for such nonsense. it was the most pathetic thing i've heard. fact: people don't care if you're flirting with your boyfriend because basically, he's yours. it doesn't matter who said it, it's just the same. i analyzed the things she said and it gave me an impression that she's mad not because of the gossips, but because my name is involved. it's all about me. i saw her eyes and she looked like she wanted to cry but she was acting tough and strong in order to hide it. she can't hide it from me, i've been studying her the whole time. i was just stiitng there, being calm about it but it's obvious that i was angry. i told her to sit beside me so we could talk better, she refused and she just stood there the entire time. paulter came and he just listened to us. it was already and insult to him but he didn't do anything. a lot of people were watching us. i was embarrassed by what she did. she defended that her boyfriend courted her as a proof that she wasn't flirting with him. i started boiling up from there. i asked her if she's sure, she told me with confidence that i should ask josef and he would tell me that he courted her. fact: he never courted her. they just came to be. now what kind of educated girl is she? she even goes to his house when no one is at home and i don't wanna say what elese could they be doing. i instantly said, "what if i told you si josef na mismo umamin sa akin na hindi ka niya niligawan?" i slapped my words right through her face. she was dumbfounded. i know that whatever they're doing, that's none of my business but she made me point those shit out. i already told her this morning i could tell her the things i feel but that would involve hurting her feelings. guess what, she didn't listen. that's not my problem anymore. she also had this boylet issues regarding angelo and ron. she denied it and told me the two guys know the truth and i told her all the things i know and i had sources. those were directly from the two guys. she felt ashamed. it ruined my clean perspective about her. i told her that josef and i are talking and we are friends. she asked me why is josef hiding it from her. i replied that how could he not hide it from her, when everytime i say hello to him, she gets paranoid, mad and breaks down. she defended her self that she wasn't preventing josef from talking to me but it was the fact that she was jealous. i pointed out that she lacks trust in him. she can't refrain him from telling me everything because we are best friends and no one can break that off. I made it a point to her that it's an insult to paulter because she was being scandalous about my ex-boyfriend in front of him. She's such a dumbass. i can't recall the other things we were debating about but the bottomline of it, all her jealousness and insecurities were spilled that afternoon.
i made it clear to her that i don't want her boyfriend back because i am moving on and we're living our separate lives. Even though deep in my heart, I really do love him but it's time to close things for the sake of everyone. she even made a jingle song about me that goes like, "i love you, you love me, let's go out and kill jenny.. etc." and doodled my name on a paper. all the things she wrote proved that she really hated me. i saw the papers and i feel amused on how i could be such a threat for her. she's bothered by my presence. that's funny. when josef came, he was shocked to see us talk. everyone was watching. it was lame. i felt like there's nothing else to talk about so i finished it off and walked away. paulter came after me.

we walked around the campus finding a a quiet place where we could sit and cool myself down. we ended up in the chapel. paulter was there to comfort me. if it weren't for him, i could still be stressing until now. i never felt so tired but my heart keeps on beating fast. i wasn't nervous nor scared about what happened. however, my heart wasn't prepared for such scenario. i didn't mean to hurt nor embarrass nica with the things i said. i just had to let it all out so she could see her mistakes. she came off too strong and she was at the wrong place, at the wrong time with the wrong person to mess with. i feel nothing but dissapointment about her behavior.
if only she didn't act tough and talked nicely, i would definitely go down and be harmless. josef texted me and asked where i was and i don't know if i should let him know since i was with paulter and he could be angry at me for bitching at his girlfriend.

i asked paulter if he and i could talk, for the last time so we could finally finish this once and for all. he was okey with it but he's afraid that he might bitch at me. i conformed and promised i'll be all right. i replied to his text and paulter went out. minutes later, he came in the chapel. i was nervous of what his reaction would be. he wasn't mad. instead, he came to comfort me. he smiled when he told me that he came across with paulter and the guy told him not to hurt me, just talk to me. he said sure. deep inside i was like, awwwww.... that's so sweet. haha. but enough about it, let's go back to the story. i explained my side to him but he didn't let me finish. he assured me that it was okey, it wasn't my fault. Josef walked out on nica because of what she did. so then he asked me why did i tell my dutymates everything that's going on about us. i was shocked that he found out. he said that nica asked a confirmation from him, he told the truth honestly. he didn't get mad at me. bottomline is, nica found out about what i shared that afternoon but she didn't point it out because that would add up to another embarrassment about her. so i figured out that it was fhatty who told her everything. i was like "ahh dammit" but it doesnt matter anymore. it already came out. i'll stand up for the things i said. don't worry, i'm not mad with anyone here.

after the conversation, i was about to go home with paulter when i saw nica walking together with jaydee. my heart and mind are disturbed and i knew someone has to finish this once and for all. i feel like it had to be me. i can't wait so i grabbed the chance and approached her with respect. this time, everything was calm and better. i explained my side in the most subtle manner as possible. i shared my frustrations and dissapointments and she shared hers. i made it clear to her that i never wanted to put her in that situation but she made me do it. i adviced her that she has to know josef first before making any judgements and that she should take things one step at a time. she should act educated and learn not to rush things off with the guy.we finally finished things off. we're both relieved.

..recently i found out that she was trying to mess with natasha, her classmate who happens to be my dutymate. she kept on striking some words to hit her and said that there are things that should be left unsaid. there were stuff that nica told natasha from the past and she asked her not to tell josef that she talks to her. we dont know why. whenever josef is there, she keeps quiet. she's afraid of him. right now, i don't know what's her problem but analyzing the things i've found out and the inconsistency that she is telling people, it gave us a conclusion that the feeling that's working behind her is insecurity. well, i can't blame her if she's insecured. after all, she wasn't courted and she instantly hooked up with the guy who she barely knows so she makes sure that he won't go away because she's afraid of losing him. on top of that, it would basically hurt her ego.

ehhh. i dont know what's going on between them. it doesnt matter to me. im not mad at her nor at her friends. as long she she doesnt mess with me nor any of my friends, i'll remain harmless. if she does, i'll tear her ass off one more time. i'm too frank and tackless, i can't help it. everyone knows that. i know a lot about her and i dont care why a lot of people don't like her attitude. she was on the wrong lane from the very beginning. she started it, that's what she gets.

xoxo enough said xoxo

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